A new beginning.

First day I have watched TV in almost a month…

I start off with Boy Meets World, where I am on the verge of tears… and then end it with My Strange Addictions, where I almost vomited every where. 

I think I am better off without television.

This weekend was perfect.

I am happy to say that I am done with the season I was in. With all the hurt, bad friendships, and tears.

My friendship is fully healed, I am full of joy, and I am at peace. Jesus is king. I am totally blessed. 

Woooooooooooo!

It amazes me how people can be so ignorant with what they say and how they act.

Over the past couple of months I have been constantly getting “talked” to for things I have done. These things include: complimenting someone, worshiping freely, holding the door open for someone, telling them they had something in their teeth, and picking up something they have dropped. When I say I have been “talked” to, I don’t mean in a good way. I have gotten in trouble for all of these things. 

I sit here and wonder why people care so much about what I do. I am 19 years old, I go to school full-time and I pass all my classes, I work full-time and I always pick up shifts for my co-workers, I go to church multiple times a week and serve in anyway I possibly can, in my spare time I hangout with my friends. 

The thing is I am not doing anything I shouldn’t. I do everything I am suppose to be doing. I am not mad or upset that things keep being said to me or about me behind my back, I am just confused. 

Ultimately all these things people keep saying don’t matter now and they won’t matter in eternity. I just wish people would realize I love helping others, if that means complimenting them or picking something up that they dropped; I genuinely don’t mind. I love love love to experience God’s freedom to the fullest and it shouldn’t be a problem.

In the end, all of this doesn’t matter. When we get to heaven no one is going to remember or even care that I ran during worship, or jumped. They won’t care that I told them they had food in their teeth. It won’t matter that I told them they looked nice and they got uncomfortable. They won’t count all the times I held the door open for them or that I picked up something they dropped.

All that matters is Jesus. 

Thinking about going to a different college.

I really have a desire to get away from Summerville, meet new people, make new friends, and do something fun.

I am tired of the same thing everyday. I am tired of working at the Kangaroo. I am just tired.

I am feeling joyful and happy that my friendship with someone I care so much about is finally working out.

Thankful that I ended up sticking through this low point in my friendship. Being able to watch it grow little by little is so nice.

I love her and I am blessed to have her in my life.

Tonight I feel sad. I miss living with my mom. I miss snuggin with my pup. I miss the way some of my friendships used to be. 

Eh.

I am tired of trying to make this work and making plans with you that never happen. 

Why do I always get my hopes up and get so excited about hanging out and in the end we never do.

I have come to the realization that I am not going to Nicaragua this summer.

I don’t think my heart can handle it. 

This makes me so sad!!!!!

Today this statement was made at church, which I totally agree with. 

I feel like over the past couple of months I have been apologizing for who I am. One friend told me that picking stuff up for her when she drops it, telling her that her bra is hanging out or opening the door for her was over-barring and that I needed to stop. I was so upset when this was said. I genuinely love people! I want to open the door for them, pick something up if they drop it and just be there for them. Instead of sticking up for myself, I said I was sorry.

Today I also had someone tell me that me complimenting them by telling them they are fine or look nice was embarrassing  They also said that I don’t need to say those things to them in order for them to like me, I just need to be myself. The thing is, that is me. I love complimenting people and saying nice things to them. I enjoy encouraging others. I cannot help that is who I was created to be.

A month ago I got a little to free in worship. I was told that experiencing that freedom the way I did was not part of my churches “DNA” and we did not practice that there. I was also told that if I wanted to find a new church where I could do that, I had their permission to do so. The problem with this is I don’t want to find a new church. Another issue is that I am free, Christ has declared us all free, this is who I am at heart, FREE!

In all of these situations I found myself apologizing for who I was. I said sorry for being a good friend and helping them out. I said sorry today for telling someone they looked nice and said I wouldn’t do it again. I also said sorry for doing what God leaded me to do and apologized for being to free. 

The statement I wrote above is so true. I should have not apologized for who I was created to be. I will never apologize for being myself, who God created me to be. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and when God made me he made no mistakes. So I have no reason to apologize for who I am.

My friend and I are hung out for the first time in months tonight.

It feels so nice. Glad the awkward, uncomfortable, and silent season we were in is over. It is so exciting to be able to move on and start a friendship again.

Wooooooooo.

I keep vomiting. My stomach is killing me. I have an awful headache and I have had a maximum of 2 hours of sleep. 

Today is such a big day, how am I suppose to get up and go?

Will someone please come take care of me…. I am over this.